When My Home Became a Battlefield

My home is my sanctuary. It is the only place on the planet that I am very aware of a shift in my feelings and emotions when I step into it. I shed any and all feelings of comparison, judgment, anxiousness, stress, etc. and am completely myself. It is my prayer room, my study lounge, my practice space for my interior design career (and all my family said amen). I emotionally feel a shift when I get home. I take a breath, a sigh of relief, a moment of freedom from all the baggage I carry all day long. I value the things of the home. Sleep, long mornings in bed, drinking a cup of tea in a rocking chair next to the window while it snows, taking long showers. I value the aesthetics I create, my closet, how my shoes are aligned. I value family time, watching a good movie, being able to chow down an entire watermelon split just between my dad and I. I value that quiet acoustic music, smelling banana bread cooking, seeing a clean kitchen. And I love all of those things the most in the comfort of the home. Isaiah 32:18 says, “My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.” When my feelings about the home are challenged, when there is still stress and worry when I step into that place, I panic. When home becomes a battlefield, I don’t know what to do. It’s the only place where I don’t feel like I have to fight to be there. It’s all over when the panic sets in. That’s the moment I call my parents and ask if I can move back in cause I just can’t handle it. Moving to college has meant that I get a new change of pace, of scenery, and living space. I did feel my home was being attacked when I first got here. The circumstances were not at their best, and I had to take a huge leap of faith. I have indeed made my small nook of space my own. Yet, I have to work to align my emotions with what I know: God is with me in this place, even in what feels like a battle for peace. And that is exactly what home is for me. A place of peace. Joshua 24:15 says, “But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” I am using this verse now. Not just in a household with a husband and children. But in a small room with a roommate and dorm full of freshmen. In an imperfect environment. In a healing place. In a holy atmosphere. It’s not something that I have to create, but something I have to recognize and help others recognize too. That is my battle. To recognize, and to help others recognize. And trust me. It’s a battle, half with myself. I don’t want to do it. I am not sure I even care about it that much. But my little home atmosphere will rot if left unnurtured, and that won’t happen while I’m in it.